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Old 02-27-2011, 12:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Bleh Statement of purpose essay help

ok so I have an essay to write to in order to apply for some colleges. I just wanted to see what feedback I get from people that don't know me personally. All and any criticism is welcomed. Ive worked hard to get here and I want it to be the best. Here is the Prompt:

The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.

Here is my essay:
P.s. I know I dont have a introduction.

Everyone looks for there purpose in this world, so find it when the least expect it, some

A social community is very important when one must think of raising children. Unfortunately, there are situations, such as being an illegal immigrant, where it is not possible to have the luxury to decide the dream neighborhood. My family and I did not have the opportunity to look into all the properties that make up a nice neighborhood. I was raised in Alief, a community in Houston, Texas. Alief is known to be a lower class community. There are many stereotypes associated with the community, as all lower class locations are. The most common stereotype is that most of the people that come from Alief will not continue their education. Most families that live in Alief are blue collar workers. Many of my peers need to work in order to help their families with financial stability, and are soon placed in the stereotypical view. Education is pushed to the side when students start owning their own income and obtain unnecessary luxuries that their parents could not afford. The high school that I attended accepted the reality that many students could not continue their education and it affected the students in negative ways. The system was based mostly on trying to get the student to graduate from high school. Through this ideal, students were often given many opportunities to graduate when some did not deserve it. Students who wanted to study had to have a desire and motivation from an outside source to continue their education. I was one of the fortunate ones to have an outside source that kept me motivated in continuing my studies. My desire to continue would benefit me and help me reach my dream of becoming an biomedical engineer. Through desire and motivation school came easy to me. When I began high school I had discovered that I was an illegal immigrant, it was a very difficult news to take in. This news affect me throughout all of my high school life. At times it was hard to keep my head in schoolwork because to me it felt as whatever happens there would be no career advancement for an illegal immigrant. Due to this my academics suffered, but my family helped me overcome these thoughts and I continue to strive for the best. These thoughts came in went as high school continued and my grades jumped all over the place, and I only graduated as a average student. When I entered college I knew that I could not afford those mistakes again, education will always be with me no matter what I am.

Due to our previous immigration status my family and I endure financial instability. Though it was a difficult manner to live I learned from it and prospered from it as it became part of who I am. Financial challenges were faced very often in my household as a result of our immigration dilemma. When I began college my parents could afford a few classes at a time for me because they had to pay put of there pocket without being able to receive help from a bank or government. I wanted to help my parents with any financials so my first semester I looked for a job. I was able to find a job and help my parents and myself pay for school. I maintained my academics in college while working part time. That summer I was asked to resign because I could not produce the proper documents to work. I left an impression on my manager as he help me find another job. He gave me such a great recommendation that I was hired immediately. The main focus was on my education, but I had to maintain a job to keep continuing my education. The desire to attend the best college I could get into when my permanent residency came in was great. I continued to study hard and work almost full time and have managed to keep my grades at a competitive level. Financial inconsistency was hard on me, but my parents have always showed me that not having money was not the end of the world. They taught me that the value of hard word and perseverance will get me to achieve my goals. I use to see them struggle daily to provide food and shelter for us, but not once did they give up or show that they were down. They knew they would ultimately have what they desired. Growing up I used all that they taught me to never give up. Part of me studied and work hard for them so I could repay them for all they have done for me. I was taught to cherish and never take for granted what I have because some people will not have the chance that I am having today. If my parents could help me as much as they did without a proper education inspired me to help the needy. With a good education I could help people that are need of medical and psychological attention.

As a child I have always had an interest in machines. My passion with machines started with cars, when I discovered how every part of the motor works together as one, triggered a curiosity toward other machines. I remember looking at any piece of machinery and trying to figure out how they worked. Many of my toys were lost to my screwdriver, by opening them up just to see what parts it was made of and if my theory of how it worked was correct. The way I was brought up I knew I wanted to become a successful engineer. My reasons were simple but meant a lot to me. As I got older I became more aware of the life I had lived and was living. By the time I started high school, unlike my peers I already knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to help the less fortunate, with the skills I desired to learn. I want to become a biomedical engineer to build machines and products that will help people. To manufacture machines that are intended to help people medically and psychologically are not simple to construct. Becoming a biomedical engineer would give me the chance to help people and communities by designing and creating systems that could be used to enrich their lives. I have always had big plans for my future and becoming an engineer is a stepping stone to my dream. I plan to own and operate an engineering firm that has one simple but yet challenging mission, to help communities and people, so that they may gain from our designs and systems. I plan to have my firm involve all areas of engineering to better profit the public. I believe that there are more engineers out there that want to help other people, and I plan to make that possible as a leader through my future firm. As a biomedical engineer I plan to use my resources and knowledge to help the needy with health related problems.

Facing challenges is part of life, with what you walk away learning from them makes you who you are. I overcame obstacles that were put in my path through hard work, motivation and the idea that I am going to become what I always wanted to be. I can not change where I come from or my family's previous financial dilemmas. My parents achieved what they always wanted, for there children to continue there education and become permanent residences in the United States. I will always continue to work hard in life as there is much more I desire, not solely for me, but for the people that need help.

Thanks to all your help, and thanks for reading.
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Old 02-27-2011, 03:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Read it and really enjoyed the content, I think that if you've got time to work on it still then you should probably run over it a few times and work on the grammar, phrasing, flow, and transitions. Not trying to be harsh or anything but there were a few times when I read it that I had to re-read some sentences 3-4 times before I could understand what you were trying to say. Trust me that I've definitely read much much worse though, if you could take it to a college or community writing center and ask them for some help revising it I don't doubt that you could take that good essay and turn it into an excellent one.
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Old 02-27-2011, 11:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by v3locity View Post
Read it and really enjoyed the content, I think that if you've got time to work on it still then you should probably run over it a few times and work on the grammar, phrasing, flow, and transitions. Not trying to be harsh or anything but there were a few times when I read it that I had to re-read some sentences 3-4 times before I could understand what you were trying to say. Trust me that I've definitely read much much worse though, if you could take it to a college or community writing center and ask them for some help revising it I don't doubt that you could take that good essay and turn it into an excellent one.
No worries on being harsh, my gf is amazing at it lol. But i took your advice and fixed it up. Thanks for all your help and taking the time to read something that wasnt on your reading list. If you want to read what I ended up with here it is.

P.s. Thanks so much again

Everyone looks for their purpose in this world, some find it when they least expect it, some unfortunately find it too late or do not find it at all. I was fortunate enough to fall in love with a profession at a very young age. Becoming an engineer has been something I have always wanted to do to help the general public, but throughout life I was tested to make sure I really wanted to fulfill my purpose.I encountered many challenges such as, growing up in a lower class and having financial setbacks, however my parents and my determination helped me achieve my goals and overcome any struggles I faced.

A social community is very important when one must think of raising children. Unfortunately, there are situations, such as being an illegal immigrant, where it is not possible to have the luxury to find one's dream neighborhood. My family and I did not have the opportunity to look into all the properties that make up a nice neighborhood, but were fortunate enough to find a place to call home. I was raised in Alief, a community in Houston, Texas that is known to be a lower class area. There are many stereotypes associated with the community, as all lower class locations are. The most common stereotype is that most of the people that come from Alief will not continue their education. Many of my peers needed to work in order to help their families with financial stability, and are soon placed in the stereotypical view. Education is pushed to the side when students start owning their own income and obtain unnecessary luxuries that their parents could not afford. The high school that I attended accepted the reality that many students could not continue their education and it affected students in negative ways. The system was based mostly on trying to get students to graduate from high school. Through this ideal, students were often given many opportunities to graduate when some did not deserve it. Students who wanted to study had to have a desire and motivation from an outside source to continue their education. I was one of the fortunate ones to have an outside source that kept me motivated in continuing my studies. My desire to continue would benefit me in pursuing my dream of becoming a biomedical engineer. Through desire and motivation school came easy to me. When I began high school I had discovered that I was an illegal immigrant. This news was very hard to take in and it impacted me through all of high school. At times it was hard to keep my head in my schoolwork, because to me it felt as if there would be no career advancement for an illegal immigrant. Due to this way of thinking my academics suffered, but my family helped me overcome these thoughts and I continued to strive for the best. These thoughts came and went as high school continued and my grades became a roller coaster. As a result of my inconsistency I graduated as an average student. When I entered college I knew that I could not afford those mistakes again and therefore I was determined to be the best student possible.

Unfortunately one's immigration does not only affect the location where one lives, but it affects one financially as well. My family was no exception when it came to financial stability, but this difficult manner to live taught me about responsibility and became part of who I am today. Financial challenges were faced very often in my household as a result of our immigration dilemma. When I began college my parents could only afford a few classes at a time. They could not receive help from the bank or the government and had to pay out of their own pocket. As a result of desiring to help my parents financially I decided to look for a job. I was able to find a job and help my parents pay for my education. I was able to maintain my academics in college while working a part time job. That summer I was asked to resign because I could not present the proper documents to work. My manager was conscious of my hard work and gave me a great recommendation that allowed me to be hired immediately for another job. The main focus was on my academics, but I had to maintain a job to continue paying for my education. Despite having to work a full time job I managed to keep my grades at a competitive level. Financial inconsistency was hard on me, but my parents always taught me that not having money was not the end of the world. They showed me that the value of hard work and perseverance would get me to achieve my goals. I used to see them struggle daily to provide food and shelter for us, but not once did they give up or show that they were down, because ultimately they knew they would have what they desired. Growing up I used what my parents taught me as a motivation to never give up. Part of me studied and work hard for them so I could repay them for all of what they had done for me. My parents constant struggle reminded and taught me to never take anything for granted because there were others less fortunate. The realization that there were others in need gave me the desire to help and provide opportunities for the less fortunate.

As a child I have always had an interest in machines. My passion with machines started with cars when I discovered how every part of the motor works together. This passion later triggered a curiosity toward other machines. I remember looking at any piece of machinery and trying to figure out how they worked. Many of my toys were lost to my screwdriver, by opening them up just to see what parts it was made of and if my theory of how it worked was correct. My reasons for desiring to become an engineer such as, helping others and the enjoyment of being able to create, were simple but meant a lot to me. As I got older I became more aware of the life I had lived and was living. By the time I started high school, unlike my peers, I already knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to help the less fortunate with the skills I desired to learn. I want to become a biomedical engineer to build complex machines and products that are intended to help people medically and psychologically. Becoming a biomedical engineer would give me the chance to help people and communities by designing and creating systems that could be used to enrich their lives. I have big plans for my future and becoming an engineer is a stepping stone to my dream. I plan to own and operate an engineering firm that has one simple but yet challenging mission, to help communities and people so that they may gain from our designs and systems. I plan to have my firm involve all areas of engineering to better profit the public. I believe that there are more engineers out there that want to help other people, and I plan to make that possible as a leader through my future firm. As a biomedical engineer I plan to use my resources and knowledge to help the needy with health related problems.

Facing challenges is part of life and learning from them makes you who you are. I overcame obstacles that were put in my path through hard work, motivation, and the idea of obtaining my dream. I cannot change where I come from or my family's previous financial dilemmas, but I can break the stereotype and reach my dream. My parents achieved what they always wanted, for their children to continue their education and become permanent residents in the United States, by overstepping numerous obstacles. I will always continue to work hard in life as there is much more I desire, not solely for me, but for the people that need help.
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Old 02-27-2011, 11:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I also see that you are new, welcome to the 8th. Your gonna love it here it is amazing
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Your essay is not bad but you have sometimes problems with grammar sentences and it's hard to understand the sense. My professor used to be very strict with me because I did the same. I remember my last essay was about Humour is an excellent medium through which to transmit a deeper message, John Mortimer knew that, and Rumpole is a character who unceasingly undermines the establishment by mocking it.Stewart and Colbert are capable of infinitely more astringent attacks on the neo-cons due to the use of sharp topical humour.The final episode of series 4 of Blackadder (in the trenches during WWI) concentrated on the characters coming to terms with the fact that they were all destined to go "over the top". The poignancy of that moment and the message it contained stood alone, and wasn't overshadowed by the humour that preceded it.
And still I had some troubles so several times I was using the site where I can find people with ratings and reviews of their quality writing the essay. I just offered essay and get nice results with my subject. Sometimes I was thinking why should I waste my time on this if all the time they say some mistakes and a lot of words with wrong.
But anyway your essay is much better than mine!
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Old 03-27-2019, 10:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You have a good essay. Very good idea, there are a few grammatical errors, but I'm sure that if you check the text again, then correct these errors. It was difficult for me to write an essay in college, but it helped improve my writing skills. The most difficult thing for me was to make a plan. I was looking for tips and tricks on the Internet, here's a good article https://booksrun.com/blog/4-effectiv...-writing-tips/ how to write a good essay, I think you will be interested. In any case, I wish you inspiration in writing the following essays!
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Old 05-11-2019, 08:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Very often, people admit mistakes in the text or poorly memorize the read material because they have uncomfortable conditions for studying. Even in college, my professor taught us that we need order in a working place, minimize distractions (for example, put on headphones with white noise, put quietly that music on the text of songs that you will not be distracted by, block all your social networks for this time and , you need to choose a comfortable chair and good lighting for study, for example, here bestlightguide are a lot of useful tips on this matter), if nothing bothers you, then you can better focus on what you are working on right now. Also, do you probably know the feeling of drowsiness when you re-read the text or page of a book you just read? This is due to the fact that your brain needs rest and you need the right lighting, I wouldn't recommend you choose a warm yellow light for study. This will significantly reduce your effectiveness.
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