Short Proof-Read? Anyone? :)

***Special Ringpop*** · 04-27-2007, 04:52 AM

Hello everyone. It's that time again. I have another paper to write for Social Theory, and this one, for me, was a lot harder than the previous, for those of you so kind to have helped me proof read and discuss before.

I am going to post my paper again, and would like some input and comments. You should be able to understand the sociological background, because I did my best to outline it.

The professor is a very...odd duck to say the least. The format is how he wants it, so forgive that. Otherwise, it's a very casual paper, so spare me the "never use personal pronouns" lecture. It is not meant to be a research paper so much as a commentary paper, so don't nail me to the cross over a misplaced period or comma, focus more on the broader spectrum.

As for those who have read my papers before, I got a 97.8 on the last one :). Thanks to all who peer edited for me.

JapTrapLove · 04-27-2007, 05:02 AM

The paper is good and well written. My only suggestions are to watch your tenses; make sure you stay in the present tense throughout the paper. I think you have done this for the most part, but I noticed a few past tense words and phrases but that is totally up to you. Lastly, I am a firm believer that the first and last sentences in a paper can be the difference between an A and a B. The only part of your paper that I thought could be re-written a little better was the first sentence. It sounds a bit winded and runs on a bit. It might just be a matter of placing a period in there or shortening it by a few words. Professors like direct statements so always try to get right to the point, but without being too short. HAHA It can be a difficult thing sometimes.

Just so you know I have a little experience with writing so I don't sound like I'm talking out of my ass; I graduated last May from James Madison University, so much of what I suggested is still fresh in my brain. Where do you go to school?

***Special Ringpop*** · 04-27-2007, 05:14 AM

Thanks for the comments, I appreciate it.

I go to school at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

This paper was hastily thrown together, because in this guy's class, the questions to write the papers on aren't given until the Wednesday of the week it is due, and they are due two days later on Friday.

Not exactly a great method, but you do what you can. I dread doing these papers because I am always up all night doing them.

I'll look over the points you mentioned. Thanks :).

I tried really hard to make a relatively boring subject matter interesting, and I hope I did that. Thanks again!

**twistedframe** · 04-27-2007, 07:28 AM

That was a really good read Mike! It definetly brings some points up that I don't think everyone has taken the time to think about. Other than one "is" that should be a "in" in the 1st paragraph I thought it was pretty perfect grammar wise. I think the 1st sentence could be shortened a little if you wanted to, but on the other hand I don't think it is so long that it is hard to read. Anyway good luck Mike and I hope you get a great grade on this paper!

Disclaimer: I am one of those that didn't go to college, so make sure you get someone a little smarter to take a look at it! too lol :)

***Special Ringpop*** · 04-27-2007, 12:09 PM

Thanks Dave, I appreciate the comments!

It was hard to pull it into an interesting paper: believe me the readings for this paper were not interesting or easy reads at all.

MBK · 04-28-2007, 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Special Ringpop

Thanks Dave, I appreciate the comments!

It was hard to pull it into an interesting paper: believe me the readings for this paper were not interesting or easy reads at all.

im sure its good. youre fricken smart man!!!

don't hate me for not reading it... i trust its wonderful

Omes · 04-28-2007, 01:56 AM

Hey, it was a pretty good read; however, I am a firm believer in omitting words such as "I" and "my" in essays. When writing a paper, it should be understood that any opinions and conclusions reached are those of the author.

For example, in your paper you stated,

"While this is important, I feel that this decision should not take into account one’s hometown, family name, or their influence on society"

I believe that the statement below, does the same thing, while making your opinion more powerful.

"While this is important, this decision should not take into account one’s hometown, family name, or their influence on society"

The statement, "I feel that", seems to weakens your opinion on the subject (at least in my view).

Now, I don't know how your professor likes papers to be written. For example, in one of my writing classes, the professor preferred that we write essays which we elaborate, in high detail, points that we make. In a philosophy class I'm currently taking, the professor would rather have succinct essays. Does your professor not mind that you refer to yourself in the essays? Anyways, hope I could help in some way.

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04-27-2007, 05:02 AM	#2 (permalink)
JapTrapLove Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Richmond, VA Posts: 62 iTrader: 0 / 0%	The paper is good and well written. My only suggestions are to watch your tenses; make sure you stay in the present tense throughout the paper. I think you have done this for the most part, but I noticed a few past tense words and phrases but that is totally up to you. Lastly, I am a firm believer that the first and last sentences in a paper can be the difference between an A and a B. The only part of your paper that I thought could be re-written a little better was the first sentence. It sounds a bit winded and runs on a bit. It might just be a matter of placing a period in there or shortening it by a few words. Professors like direct statements so always try to get right to the point, but without being too short. HAHA It can be a difficult thing sometimes. Just so you know I have a little experience with writing so I don't sound like I'm talking out of my ass; I graduated last May from James Madison University, so much of what I suggested is still fresh in my brain. Where do you go to school?

04-27-2007, 05:14 AM	#3 (permalink)
*Special Ringpop* VIP Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Minneapolis, MN Age: 22 Posts: 7,359 Name: Mike iTrader: 0 / 0%	Thanks for the comments, I appreciate it. I go to school at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This paper was hastily thrown together, because in this guy's class, the questions to write the papers on aren't given until the Wednesday of the week it is due, and they are due two days later on Friday. Not exactly a great method, but you do what you can. I dread doing these papers because I am always up all night doing them. I'll look over the points you mentioned. Thanks :). I tried really hard to make a relatively boring subject matter interesting, and I hope I did that. Thanks again!

04-27-2007, 12:09 PM	#5 (permalink)
*Special Ringpop* VIP Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Minneapolis, MN Age: 22 Posts: 7,359 Name: Mike iTrader: 0 / 0%	Thanks Dave, I appreciate the comments! It was hard to pull it into an interesting paper: believe me the readings for this paper were not interesting or easy reads at all.

04-28-2007, 01:56 AM	#7 (permalink)
Omes Senior Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: SoCal Posts: 395 iTrader: 0 / 0%	Hey, it was a pretty good read; however, I am a firm believer in omitting words such as "I" and "my" in essays. When writing a paper, it should be understood that any opinions and conclusions reached are those of the author. For example, in your paper you stated, "While this is important, I feel that this decision should not take into account one’s hometown, family name, or their influence on society" I believe that the statement below, does the same thing, while making your opinion more powerful. "While this is important, this decision should not take into account one’s hometown, family name, or their influence on society" The statement, "I feel that", seems to weakens your opinion on the subject (at least in my view). Now, I don't know how your professor likes papers to be written. For example, in one of my writing classes, the professor preferred that we write essays which we elaborate, in high detail, points that we make. In a philosophy class I'm currently taking, the professor would rather have succinct essays. Does your professor not mind that you refer to yourself in the essays? Anyways, hope I could help in some way.