George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!!!

Utsaappt802 · 01-04-2007, 05:26 PM

I thought this was pretty dang funny! Enjoy!

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place
is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam,
dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"

06NighthawkSi · 01-04-2007, 07:10 PM

LMAO

Fargone · 01-04-2007, 07:17 PM

Verrry Nice ... how much? I buy!

**twistedframe** · 01-04-2007, 07:27 PM

awesome. He always cracks me up!

JerrfyLube · 01-04-2007, 08:15 PM

Funny stuff....too bad he didnt say a word of it....

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

louieinyo · 01-04-2007, 08:20 PM

Hilarious.

foolio_67 · 01-04-2007, 10:09 PM

Funny stuff

skiz · 01-06-2007, 10:25 AM

George Rocks!!! One of my all time favorite comics

Driving91LX · 01-06-2007, 11:53 AM

How about adding our own? I'll start...
New Rule: Stop saying "it is what it is". That was only clever the frst 100 times.

01-04-2007, 05:26 PM	#1 (permalink)
Utsaappt802 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Atlanta Age: 27 Posts: 5,617 RyanT. iTrader: 0 / 0%	George Carlin's New Rules for 2007!!! I thought this was pretty dang funny! Enjoy! New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards." New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

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01-04-2007, 07:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
06NighthawkSi Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Michigan City, IN Age: 23 Posts: 304 iTrader: 0 / 0%	LMAO

01-04-2007, 07:17 PM	#3 (permalink)
Fargone Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Milton Posts: 342 iTrader: 0 / 0%	Verrry Nice ... how much? I buy!

01-04-2007, 08:15 PM	#5 (permalink)
JerrfyLube Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Cheyenne, WY Age: 26 Posts: 282 Jeff iTrader: 0 / 0%	Funny stuff....too bad he didnt say a word of it.... http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

01-04-2007, 08:20 PM	#6 (permalink)
louieinyo Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Age: 31 Posts: 356 iTrader: 1 / 100%	Hilarious.

01-04-2007, 10:09 PM	#7 (permalink)
foolio_67 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Kamloops Posts: 897 iTrader: 1 / 100%	Funny stuff

01-06-2007, 10:25 AM	#8 (permalink)
skiz Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Ali ma quippa Age: 39 Posts: 798 Nee-kon Squad! #5 iTrader: 4 / 100%	George Rocks!!! One of my all time favorite comics

01-06-2007, 11:53 AM	#9 (permalink)
Driving91LX Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Temple, TX Age: 39 Posts: 1,030 iTrader: 0 / 0%	How about adding our own? I'll start... New Rule: Stop saying "it is what it is". That was only clever the frst 100 times.