Advice Needed regarding spouse's smoking...

[dentrecords]

I've been with my girl for 3+ years now and I love her to death. I could see myself getting married to her and having children down the road. I do feel we are very compatible people and I'll state right off the bat that I don't want anyone telling me that the relationship isn't worth working on.

When I started off with her, she was an ex-smoker. She was not smoking for the first year or two of our relationship. To be honest, I would not have pursued the relationship if she was a regular smoker when I met her. That's how much it bothers me (I'm an ex-smoker myself, so I know what it's like).

In the last 6 months, we've had a few rocky issues and she confessed that she had fallen back into smoking every time I went on night shift (a week or two every 3 months) but stopped when I went back to days. In the last few months, she has been not openly smoking, but doing it regularly with my knowledge of it. She has twice told me she needed time apart and came crawling back the very next day, and each time, she told me she was done with smoking.

Recently, I went on night shifts and a couple of days before, she came home smelling strongly of cigarettes after being out with some friends. I confronted her and she told me she had slipped ... "I had a drag or two". She told me that the best thing to do was to be supportive of her and instead of telling her I wasn't happy with what happened, tell her how good she has been and not to let that minor setback turn into a major one.

Her and my roommate had a party at my house on Saturday night, and when I came home after my night shift, I found a new pack of cigarettes and lighter left conspicuously outside the door at home. I also saw that her glovebox in her car was left open, and knew that she had hidden cigarettes in there before. Knowing the history of her potential regression every time I go on shifts, I asked her if they were hers. She told me "don't be paranoid" and told me they were not hers. I dropped the subject.

Last night, I saw her right after work, and she smelled strongly of cigarettes. I asked her if she had been smoking, and she told me yes. I asked her where she got the cigarettes, and she told me the just asked people outside. I asked her point blank if she had bought any, she said no.

I am still adjusting from night shifts, so I woke up at 4:30 am, unable to sleep any more. I put the garbage out, and out of curiosity, I checked her car. There was one lighter in the glovebox, two lighters in the armrest compartment, and a 25 pack of cigarettes with only two left. They are a different brand than she had smoked previously - they are the same brand that our roommate smokes, and I figure she bought them if only to throw me off from when I had checked the ashtray outside looking for her brand of cigarettes. Smoking a full pack of cigarettes... and buying 3 lighters.. that's not a minor regression in my eyes, that's full on.

I understand the nature of addictions, and she definitely knows I don't approve of it, so I can understand *why* she has been denying and hiding things from me.

I have written a letter that I am going to present to her this morning and I'm not going to tell her about my knowledge of how many lighters she's purchased and how many cigarettes are remaining in her pack.. I am hoping she will tell me the truth, but I am prepared to call her on it the second I get the hint she thinks she can pull a fast one on my, by bringing her out to her car and retrieving the cigarettes she has told me on multiple occasions she had not purchased.



Here is the letter. I am looking for suggestions on how to approach things with her. From personal experience, I realize what an addiction is and how it works, but I can't stand by idly any further, especially after being lied to and misled so many times in recent memory.

Dear Lissa,

I'm writing you because I need to get my thoughts down properly. I have much reason to believe that you have taken smoking regularly up again lately. I know this is something you must deal with, and only you can deal with it... but you haven't been forthcoming with it, in fact, you misled me, or even lied to me point blank on a few recent occasions. I really have a problem with that. You tell me we need to work on communication. I can't stand being misled and lied to. That is what you could call a "big communication problem".

I came home sunday morning, and I mentioned that I saw a pack of cigarettes on the BBQ and a lighter. I also mentioned that I found it very suspicious that at the same time, your glove box was left open all night, for full display. You told me "don't be paranoid". I asked if they were yours, you said no. Perhaps they aren't. I dropped the issue, no further questions asked.

Just last night, you confirmed to me that you had been smoking at the party.

Recently, on the Thursday before my night shift, you went out with Dave to O'Connor's and you came home smelling like cigarettes. You told me that you had one or two drags from someone else, and not to worry, it was an isolated incident. You said you only smelled as much as you did because you sat in a car with a bunch of people that were smoking in it with the windows up, but you didn't participate. I don't know because you have not been forthcoming with me. You've taken steps to mislead me into believing they were indeed isolated incidents. You ripped into me for asking you about it when you came home and for telling you that I was disappointed and concerned that you would start again due to me going on nights. You suggested I should say "good for you, you've been doing really well lately, keep it up, don't let this get minor setback you down".

I tried to approach it that way after the party, and you weren't forthcoming with me that you had been smoking. Telling me not to be paranoid implied that my fears were unfounded and that I was way off base for even asking about the cigarettes. I feel that was nothing but a ploy to hide it from me.

Last night, I didn't want to make any accusations, but when you reek of cigarettes all through your hair after coming from your Mom's shop, I found it a bit far fetched that you picked this smell up from simply walking by someone having a cigarette... so I asked you. You said yes you had smoked at work. I asked you where you got the cigarettes. You told me people outside. I found it hard to believe that someone else was providing you with enough cigarettes to make you smell as much as you did last night, but again, not wanting to make accusation, I asked if you had purchased cigarettes. You told me you had not.

As much as I don't want to make accusations, I don't believe this is the truth. You say we need to work on our communication. Lissa, I need you to be forthcoming with me. I want you to tell me what's been going on. I need it to be the truth. Talk to me.

[Cybergypsy]

I would quit for love,,,,,if she still smokes.... leave.....as simple as that!

[CameronJr9]

Hey Mike,
I can tell this is something that means a lot to you. If you really must hand her the letter, do it in person. I realize it's not easy confronting your loved ones like that, and it's easier to write it all down and be concise. Plus, it allows you to get out everything you wanted to say without being interrupted.

I guess the only suggestion I have is, if you're going to give her the letter, be there when she reads it. That way you guys can talk about it together and find a way to work through it.

On another note, I just had a very long conversation with one of my best friends the other day about relationships. We both agreed that TRUST is the most important factor. If you can't trust someone, it makes things so much harder.

I wish you the best of luck.

[dentrecords]

Originally Posted by Cybergypsy

I would quit for love,,,,,if she still smokes.... leave.....as simple as that!

I understand your point of view, but an addiction can be an extremely powerful thing. I'm not going to kick her out over something like this.

[rmfa]

Originally Posted by dentrecords

I understand your point of view, but an addiction can be an extremely powerful thing. I'm not going to kick her out over something like this.

But, you as you expressed so well in your original post, the addiction is leading to lying and miscommunication. (or deviated communication at that)

[MutantCheese]

She enjoys smoking. You hate smoking. Do you love her more than you hate smoking? Pick one. Your hate or your love. Embrace your choice. Stand by your conviction. Live with the consequences of your choice.

[DSchrag]

A few unsolicited pieces of opinion:

First, it seems as if the smoking is in its infancy stages. You, as an ex-smoker, know that this is the time to catch it before it gets worse.

That being said, I can't believe that, based on the information here, smoking is the primary issue. I think Cam got it right about trust. If you can't trust your other then the smoking is a tangible reach-out of that issue.

But, if she is dead-set on smoking, she'll do it.

There seems a good deal of paranoia on both sides, regardless of how well it is founded. I think care and concern is the best course of action, there's no need to make a communication problem worse. If you're going to have a shot at stopping the smoking, she's going to have to want to stop. Step away from the "you said this...and did that" accusations and just focus on the caring for her health issue.

IMHO.

Good luck. January first is my day to go off cold. I know how hard it is.

[DSchrag]

Originally Posted by rmfa

But, you as you expressed so well in your original post, the addiction is leading to lying and miscommunication. (or deviated communication at that)

Or it may be the other way around.

[mikepesikan]

My woman smokes as well, I do not. Get over the smoking, I hate it but if you love her put up with it.
You have a big trust issue, snooping and searching, questioning, etc. It seems like you have made yourself the authority figure (Her Dad) and are pushing your girl & roommate together. If they are sneeking around to smoke what comes next? Toss the letter, you need to decide if you can live with her smoking or not, tell her face to face.

[skiz]

i quit for my kids... and never looked back. cold turkey, it has now been 3.5 years.

My wife dated and married me as a smoker... we are both very glad i stopped. your girlfriend will not stop until she is ready to quit. I smoked 1.5 to 2 packs a day.

it is your call... but it sounds like your getting 'cold feet' as to where your relationship is headed.

And in her defense... i work in people homes. some are heavy smokers. i reek when i leave. i was out on a trouble call the other day. the lady let me in and showed me the phones that were not working, i was in her house for 5 minutes and i was able to fix her problems from the outside(thank god). i swapped out my clothes for spares i keep in my locker and zip locked that shit until i got home to wash them.

there was a bar my wife and i used to go to. you could walk in the back and exit the bar in about 30 foot steps or so... and be reeking when you walked out. that only took about 15 seconds if you were lucky.

just putting that out there.

good luck

[dmx]

Originally Posted by Cybergypsy

I would quit for love,,,,,if she still smokes.... leave.....as simple as that!

Im sorry, but i dont think life, love, personal emotions, and your partners emotions are just as 'simple' as that. Im sorry but i disagree, you cant be so blas'e about life, regardless of the fact you are concerned.

... I wont even touch the smoking issue, because i have vices myself, and im quite a hyprocrite when it comes to my significant others having the same vices. I dont allow it.

What i will say is, aside from the smoking, your maing problem is all the lying and decietfulness. If shes being dishonest about ciggerettes today, who knows what it will be tomorrow? It becomes more of a trust issue than anything. I dont know if im the only one who sees it this way, but sure the smoking would bother me if i was in ur position, but the lying is a HUGE problem. You CANNOT be in a relationship with a dishonest person, regardless of if its small white lies, or big ones.

I wish u best of luck, and commend you for being so calm and collective about it. I wish everytime i had a problem like this i could sit down and write a letter as opposed to screaming my head off.

[Kakashi]

dent:

are you cereal?

Throwing a relationship away over cigarettes is .. stupid.



Work it out.

Good luck.

[6spdChick]

WOW Mike I love ya to death and please don't take whatever I say as the wrong way it's not meant to be rude in anyway.

But, this seems to be more of an issue than smoking. Sounds like you guys have trust issues. And yes smoking is nasty I'm an ex smoker myself. And I don't like to date someone who smokes. But, if that's their worst quality then I don't mind. The way you are presenting the issue here it sounds almost like you're a father trying to catch and scold his daughter. If you've been with this girl this long and smoking is that big of an issue then maybe you need to rethink other parts of your relationship.
In my eyes not that I know her. But, if she feels like shes going to get 20 questions, and that you'll be mad at her if she smokes. Then maybe she is trying to make the situation smaller than it is. Because she doesn't want to be drilled by you with questions. I remember dreading going home in high school scared my parents would smell smoke and yell at me. Sounds like she might feel this way and she is a grown woman.

[DSchrag]

Originally Posted by 6spdChick

I remember dreading going home in high school scared my parents would smell smoke and yell at me. Sounds like she might feel this way and she is a grown woman.

Those were the days...

If you're really serious about the smoking buy her the patch or gum. Go about it in a positive, constructive way.

[OMGWTFBBQIMDEREK]

Well.. first off.. I'd like to give congrats to all those ex-smokers.. I'm pretty sure it's a hard addiction to kick off like that.. so good job Second.. well.. the best advice I can possibly give you is to hang in there and try to make it work.. maybe compromise would work.. either you stay in this relationship and try to accept the fact she smokes.. or maybe she could try to quit (even though I know this is probably amazingly hard) but she should only quit not because of you.. but because that's what she wants for herself.. and I agree with what others have said about trust being an issue because it starts off small like lying about a pack of cigarettes.. but it tends to escalate into bigger things down the road.. So if you think its worth it.. keep going at this relationship.. you can do it and best of luck to you

PS: I am aware of my lack of proper punctuation thank you very much lol...

[Wilson]

I think that the smoking seems to be something that she is falling back on due to something else going on in your relationship. Changes in behaviour like this can (not always) be signals of much deeper problems that absolutely need to be dealt with asap. How would you feel if your ex-alcoholic (or ex-drug abuser) partner had gone back to drinking (smoking carck rocks)?? And what advice would people here be handing out in that case? I dont know all the details about what is going on here obviously, but it really seems to me that maybe there is someting else more serious going on behind your back and that is causing her to resort to self-destructive behaviour as a means to cope with it. Bottom line, and others have mentioned it, you need to sit down and have face to face about this then you will be able to decide what to do from there.

[dentrecords]

Well, I spoke to her about it and basically she told me "you've got health issues and debt to pay off" and turned it around on me. She says that I'm responsible for my issues and she's responsible for her issues, and if I choose not to deal with my own, then she won't care... so she says. So deal with my issues, and don't even speak to her about hers (despite the fact that I find it very unattractive to be laying in bed with someone that reeks). She then went outside and had a smoke in front of me.

I love her very much, but quite frankly, it's a disgusting habit. I wouldn't expect her to put up with me if I was continually engaging in an activity that was very offensive to her. I don't know, this isn't cool.

She's being dishonest because she's physically and mentally addicted and those addictions are making her go to such desperate measures as hiding it from me and blatantly lying to my face about it. Yes, Alyson, she's a grown up. But we're in a relationship together and as a grown up, she should expect to hear from her partner if she picks up an old self destructive habit, hides it, and outright lies about it. She's told me she feels I'm controlling. So should I just stand back and watch her regress even further? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, because if I say something, she tells me to stop controlling her, and if I don't say something, she continues to smoke.

I don't need to debate the health implications, it's absolutely one of the worst things you can do to your body. She knows that too, but she uses the argument of "you're not perfect" to tell me I have no right to speak with her about that. Using that logic, and the old adage that nobody is perfect, nobody should say anything to anyone, anytime. I don't think that's how a relationship should work, it's all about communication.

Originally Posted by dshrag

First, it seems as if the smoking is in its infancy stages. You, as an ex-smoker, know that this is the time to catch it before it gets worse.

Exactly.

Originally Posted by skiz

it is your call... but it sounds like your getting 'cold feet' as to where your relationship is headed.

It seems to be a bit of mutual respect for each other is in order. If she wants me to focus exclusively on paying of debt, I'll do that out of respect for her, and myself. If I want her to quit a self destructive behaviour that is distancing her from me, she should be able to do that out of respect as well.

[mikepesikan]

[quote=Wilson]I think that the smoking seems to be something that she is falling back on due to something else going on in your relationship. Changes in behaviour like this can (not always) be signals of much deeper problems that absolutely need to be dealt with asap.QUOTE]

Everyone is skirting around it so I'll be the bad guy and say it. First you asked, second I hope i"m wrong & I apologize if I am.
Reading between the line's I think the problem is this:
When you go on night shift your girl & roommate have a party, and she goes to the bar with him. And the pack of smokes you found in her car, is she trying to fool you about smoking or are they hanging out together. I would be jeaulous as hell, only natural. Even if there's nothing going on, it's not appropriate behavior. And will lead to Trust Issues.
Your angry & hurt and have become the relationship police, searching for clues, this behavior only makes things worse by pushing her away. And her, as quoted above, smoking, not being honest, sneeking around to smoke.
Brother, I've been there. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic, different story but the same behavioral patterns. When she was drinking she was a liar, even when she didnt have to she lied. When she was sober she would do things to punish herself for what she had done. One day I decided that I wasnt going to be the cop anymore, she was going to do what she was going to do regardless of what I did.
If your relationship is going to work you need to be her best friend and lover, taking it to the next level would involve getting your own place, and maybe a job where you could be home at night, all the time. She needs to make and hangout with her own friends, not yours when your not around.
Good luck and if I'm wrong please forgive me.

[MutantCheese]

I hate say this brother, but it may be time to move on. If the smoking is such a disgusting habit in you eyes, and she has no desire to quit, then you are at a stalemate.

Call it a day, cut your losses devide your CD's and part as friends.



OR! Live with the smoking.

[louieinyo]

Are you serious if you love this girl you would not care if she was smoking crack.Who cares if she smokes,don't be such a wuss.Your lucky she is not smoking your friends pole.