Dane Cook fans?

FujiBlueSi · 10-24-2006, 08:38 AM

For your reading pleasure......

There was a commercial on TV that used to terrify me as a kid. It was those Kool-Aid commercials. A giant, talking bowl of fruit punch that comes crashing through your wall. I dunno, right? No warning, just "OH YEAH! OH YEAH!" Right? And he would dance and break your coffee table, punch your armoire- "OH YEAH!" And that really terrified me, but the kids in the commercial were all excited. They were excited, and happy. It's a 400-pound jug of juice. Came bashing into your house, screaming "OH YEAH!", dancing, with tights on, I don't know why juices wear tights, his juice box is hanging out. I don't want to see that, Kool. And these kids would drink out of him after he busted through a wall and debris fell into his open, idiot head. Asbestos, lead paint fell inside his head. He would pour his fruity blood into glasses. "OH YEAH! OH YEAH!" And they would drink his fruity, dirty blood right out of his head. And they'd be like, "Thanks Kool!" *slight laughter* No, if that were me, I'd be like, "No, no, I don't want to drink from you, I want you to fix this ***damn wall befor my dad gets home from work. He's not going to believe that a dancing bowl of fruit punch came in here. I'm going to get beat with a toaster, I swear to God, bro. This is ****. Don't touch me! I'll kick you in the legs. You're very top heavy, and you will smash. You fix this wall. If you get thirsty, sip yourself you glass s.o.b.!" "OH YEAH!" "Oh, no! That's your problem! Your slogan should be, 'Oh no! What have I done to this beautiful home?'"

Watermelon is the only good flavor of Jolly Rancher candies, I will say that. Thank you for agreeing with me. If you say Sour Apple, I will stab you in the jaw! Sour Apple sucks! If you believe that Sour Apple is good, you meet me in the lobby after the show, I'll be the guy stabbing jaws. There's not too many of us out there. Just look for the guy stabbing jaws, that's me. Come up, say "hello," and I'll stab you in the jaw.

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything ******* wet?
I DONT LIKE TO SHIT IN A PERFECT SQUARE! BAM! BROKEN! I LIKE THAT!
On the wall someone always has to write, "Mike was here" but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a faggot." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the **** is THIS? I was here but not as a faggot! I'm trying to make a statement here!"
Theres always a girls number. Has anybody ever ******* called? "How'd you meet your wife John?" "Well... I was taking a crap.

What is it about Walgreens the second you walk in there you just want to steal. It's just something about the lighting. You only want to not pay for half of your shit. I mean, I'm not gonna pay for scrunchies. No, you just shove those in your pants.

Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. you know they're sitting there going "I dont think I should get on this ******* flight..I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight..thank you angel wearing jeans!"

Who gets killed by bees? Anytime they come on the news and say "Um, yeah, a man was killed in Austin by bees." I just ******* laugh. How do you get killed by bees? If you're walking through the woods right and you come near a bush and you hear 'bbbbzzzbbzz' you know... just run away from that bush. Who's going by that bush going, "Hey is that bees? Hold on on second, ohhh jeez!" Dude, **** that. I would punch every bee in the face! Bees are not taking me out. I be like "Oh yeah? **** you bee! Come on! Yah bzzz. Where's the next bee at?" It's a ******' bee. I could understand killer horses... that's scary shit... flying through the air and kicking you in the face. That's scary. **** bees. **** bees.

**CameronJr9** · 10-24-2006, 08:55 AM

I love his "slang." Just the crazy words he uses. I think his vocabulary is the funniest part of his comedy, aside from just the hilarious things he says.

For instance, Sangwich, BAMF, CT2004, Situation (pronounced Sitchu-a-shee-own), BK Lounge (yeah, I know...De La Soul said it first), O.N.S. (One Night Stand), etc.

**CameronJr9** · 10-24-2006, 08:55 AM

P.S. Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude!

LunchBoxed · 10-24-2006, 10:05 AM

Dane Cook is the $hit!!! Vicious Circle was hilarious.

"I woke up one day and said I need to do a B&E...We're gonna do a B&E!!!"

Toxis · 10-24-2006, 01:45 PM

Dane is the man. I'm actually looking to sell my SI for a CT2004.

eugenekim.net · 10-24-2006, 04:48 PM

everytime i go through the drive through i think of yelling or whispering softly

**Nomar06** · 10-24-2006, 08:43 PM

he is f-ing hilarious.

[IVI] · 10-24-2006, 08:58 PM

"I'll f***ing kill you!"

Best story ever.

BLU BY U · 10-24-2006, 09:06 PM

"Someone shit on or around the vicinity of the coats!"

07-[ivi] · 10-17-2007, 02:34 PM

I love the one about his first, she is like "Where is the door handle?"

***07mugencivic*** · 10-17-2007, 02:41 PM

I Love Dane Cook...funny Ass Hell....punching Babies

mO 64 StAnG 06 · 10-17-2007, 02:48 PM

Eh, I used to like the guy but now... It get's old and lame.

Kinda like Dat Phan... You hear the same joke 50 trillion times in the same tone and set-up and it just looses it's edge. Im sure if I had alzheimer's I would love his stuff again, Or if he had some newer and better material I would. But he is starting to get over-rated for hardly being funny.

D1BSI · 10-17-2007, 03:09 PM

Buddy, Pal, Chief, GAYLORD ... damn man i almost died when i heard that one.

Firestrife · 10-17-2007, 03:15 PM

Yea i used to love all his stuff till it became so generic to the populous and now everyone keeps quoting it, makes it just lose steam.
But I still love Mitch Hedbergs stuff.

mO 64 StAnG 06 · 10-17-2007, 03:18 PM

I never understood Mitch's humor a while back, but now that I watch his video's he is ******* awesome!

***jdmEGO*** · 10-17-2007, 03:46 PM

mitch is aswsome and Dane cook too those two is the best

***07mugencivic*** · 10-17-2007, 03:51 PM

hes a BAMF

xvoltm2 · 10-17-2007, 03:55 PM

"...I got a job at the Burger King, I thought it would be cool since my brother was a manager… but he was a dick. He thought he was the Burger King….” lol

going to see him on Nov. 18 at Madison Square Garden

jocasti · 10-17-2007, 03:57 PM

Dane Cook has NOTHING on Mitch Hedburg (RIP)

effNsi · 10-17-2007, 03:58 PM

Mitch>Dane but too bad he is dead. Dane cook is hella funny I got tickets to see him in San Jose december 5th

anyone else going? And does anyone know what mary was doing putting her face around tires

????????? hahahaahahahhahahaahah

10-24-2006, 08:38 AM	#1 (permalink)
FujiBlueSi Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Queens, NY Age: 30 Posts: 2,862 Tim iTrader: 2 / 100%	Dane Cook fans? For your reading pleasure...... There was a commercial on TV that used to terrify me as a kid. It was those Kool-Aid commercials. A giant, talking bowl of fruit punch that comes crashing through your wall. I dunno, right? No warning, just "OH YEAH! OH YEAH!" Right? And he would dance and break your coffee table, punch your armoire- "OH YEAH!" And that really terrified me, but the kids in the commercial were all excited. They were excited, and happy. It's a 400-pound jug of juice. Came bashing into your house, screaming "OH YEAH!", dancing, with tights on, I don't know why juices wear tights, his juice box is hanging out. I don't want to see that, Kool. And these kids would drink out of him after he busted through a wall and debris fell into his open, idiot head. Asbestos, lead paint fell inside his head. He would pour his fruity blood into glasses. "OH YEAH! OH YEAH!" And they would drink his fruity, dirty blood right out of his head. And they'd be like, "Thanks Kool!" slight laughter No, if that were me, I'd be like, "No, no, I don't want to drink from you, I want you to fix this *damn wall befor my dad gets home from work. He's not going to believe that a dancing bowl of fruit punch came in here. I'm going to get beat with a toaster, I swear to God, bro. This is . Don't touch me! I'll kick you in the legs. You're very top heavy, and you will smash. You fix this wall. If you get thirsty, sip yourself you glass s.o.b.!" "OH YEAH!" "Oh, no! That's your problem! Your slogan should be, 'Oh no! What have I done to this beautiful home?'" Watermelon is the only good flavor of Jolly Rancher candies, I will say that. Thank you for agreeing with me. If you say Sour Apple, I will stab you in the jaw! Sour Apple sucks! If you believe that Sour Apple is good, you meet me in the lobby after the show, I'll be the guy stabbing jaws. There's not too many of us out there. Just look for the guy stabbing jaws, that's me. Come up, say "hello," and I'll stab you in the jaw. When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything *** wet? I DONT LIKE TO SHIT IN A PERFECT SQUARE! BAM! BROKEN! I LIKE THAT! On the wall someone always has to write, "Mike was here" but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a faggot." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the is THIS? I was here but not as a faggot! I'm trying to make a statement here!" Theres always a girls number. Has anybody ever *** called? "How'd you meet your wife John?" "Well... I was taking a crap. What is it about Walgreens the second you walk in there you just want to steal. It's just something about the lighting. You only want to not pay for half of your shit. I mean, I'm not gonna pay for scrunchies. No, you just shove those in your pants. Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. you know they're sitting there going "I dont think I should get on this *** flight..I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight..thank you angel wearing jeans!" Who gets killed by bees? Anytime they come on the news and say "Um, yeah, a man was killed in Austin by bees." I just *** laugh. How do you get killed by bees? If you're walking through the woods right and you come near a bush and you hear 'bbbbzzzbbzz' you know... just run away from that bush. Who's going by that bush going, "Hey is that bees? Hold on on second, ohhh jeez!" Dude, that. I would punch every bee in the face! Bees are not taking me out. I be like "Oh yeah? you bee! Come on! Yah bzzz. Where's the next bee at?" It's a **' bee. I could understand killer horses... that's scary shit... flying through the air and kicking you in the face. That's scary. bees. ** bees.

10-24-2006, 08:55 AM	#2 (permalink)
CameronJr9 Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Louisville, KY Age: 28 Posts: 25,833 Back and Forth Forever iTrader: 6 / 100%	I love his "slang." Just the crazy words he uses. I think his vocabulary is the funniest part of his comedy, aside from just the hilarious things he says. For instance, Sangwich, BAMF, CT2004, Situation (pronounced Sitchu-a-shee-own), BK Lounge (yeah, I know...De La Soul said it first), O.N.S. (One Night Stand), etc. __________________

10-24-2006, 08:55 AM	#3 (permalink)
CameronJr9 Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Louisville, KY Age: 28 Posts: 25,833 Back and Forth Forever iTrader: 6 / 100%	P.S. Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude! __________________

10-24-2006, 08:43 PM	#7 (permalink)
Nomar06 a birdie w/o a Katana.... Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Charlotte, NC Age: 27 Posts: 22,290 iTrader: 4 / 100%	he is f-ing hilarious. __________________

10-17-2007, 03:58 PM	#20 (permalink)
effNsi Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: NOR CAL Age: 25 Posts: 1,273 iTrader: 2 / 100%	Mitch>Dane but too bad he is dead. Dane cook is hella funny I got tickets to see him in San Jose december 5th anyone else going? And does anyone know what mary was doing putting her face around tires????????? hahahaahahahhahahaahah

10-24-2006, 10:05 AM	#4 (permalink)
LunchBoxed Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Sioux Falls, SD Posts: 294 John iTrader: 0 / 0%	Dane Cook is the $hit!!! Vicious Circle was hilarious. "I woke up one day and said I need to do a B&E...We're gonna do a B&E!!!"

10-24-2006, 01:45 PM	#5 (permalink)
Toxis Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Italy Of Course! Age: 28 Posts: 3,799 Even Women Aren't Safe iTrader: 10 / 100%	Dane is the man. I'm actually looking to sell my SI for a CT2004.

10-24-2006, 04:48 PM	#6 (permalink)
eugenekim.net Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: huntington beach, ca Age: 21 Posts: 1,802 captain obvious iTrader: 0 / 0%	everytime i go through the drive through i think of yelling or whispering softly

10-24-2006, 08:58 PM	#8 (permalink)
[IVI] Senior Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Columbus, Ohio Age: 31 Posts: 1,634 Bryan iTrader: 0 / 0%	"I'll f***ing kill you!" Best story ever.

10-24-2006, 09:06 PM	#9 (permalink)
BLU BY U Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Age: 24 Posts: 7,585 iTrader: 2 / 100%	"Someone shit on or around the vicinity of the coats!"

10-17-2007, 02:34 PM	#10 (permalink)
07-[ivi] Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 58 iTrader: 0 / 0%	I love the one about his first, she is like "Where is the door handle?"

10-17-2007, 02:48 PM	#12 (permalink)
mO 64 StAnG 06 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Wylie, Texas Age: 20 Posts: 3,005 iTrader: 0 / 0%	Eh, I used to like the guy but now... It get's old and lame. Kinda like Dat Phan... You hear the same joke 50 trillion times in the same tone and set-up and it just looses it's edge. Im sure if I had alzheimer's I would love his stuff again, Or if he had some newer and better material I would. But he is starting to get over-rated for hardly being funny.

10-17-2007, 03:09 PM	#13 (permalink)
D1BSI Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Miami, FL Posts: 511 David iTrader: 0 / 0%	Buddy, Pal, Chief, GAYLORD ... damn man i almost died when i heard that one.

10-17-2007, 03:15 PM	#14 (permalink)
Firestrife Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Gainesville, FL Age: 20 Posts: 3,364 Keenan iTrader: 9 / 100%	Yea i used to love all his stuff till it became so generic to the populous and now everyone keeps quoting it, makes it just lose steam. But I still love Mitch Hedbergs stuff.

10-17-2007, 03:18 PM	#15 (permalink)
mO 64 StAnG 06 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Wylie, Texas Age: 20 Posts: 3,005 iTrader: 0 / 0%	I never understood Mitch's humor a while back, but now that I watch his video's he is ******* awesome!

10-17-2007, 03:46 PM	#16 (permalink)
*jdmEGO* SlaNtEyEz Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Charlotte, NC Age: 20 Posts: 2,756 d[-_-]b iTrader: 1 / 100%	mitch is aswsome and Dane cook too those two is the best

10-17-2007, 03:55 PM	#18 (permalink)
xvoltm2 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: NJ Posts: 2,057 iTrader: 10 / 100%	"...I got a job at the Burger King, I thought it would be cool since my brother was a manager… but he was a dick. He thought he was the Burger King….” lol going to see him on Nov. 18 at Madison Square Garden

10-17-2007, 03:57 PM	#19 (permalink)
jocasti Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In yo couch, stealin yo change.. Posts: 1,267 iTrader: 3 / 100%	Dane Cook has NOTHING on Mitch Hedburg (RIP)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
...Rap fans...	firmhonda	Movies & Music Reviews	9	09-08-2006 04:09 PM
anime fans	aodmisery	Water Cooler	7	07-31-2006 01:04 PM
For All Die Hard GM FANS. TAKE A LOOK	Nathan	Garage	10	03-22-2006 12:04 AM
VID ANOTHER one for you star wars fans!!	Prototype	Water Cooler	0	08-23-2005 09:14 PM
Z06 Fans Get in here	webby	Garage	0	06-16-2005 10:07 PM